Unleashing the Unknown: I'm Sharing My Secrets on a Podcast...(then I'm going to release a book?!?!)

I feel like I'm going to throw up! Nervous anticipation floods my brain as the release day for episode #350 of "This is Actually Happening" draws closer, 1/28/2025. The episode is entitled, "What if you were held captive in plain sight?" and this time, it's MY STORY! The podcast, often shortened to TIAH, has been one of my favorites since I started listening 8 or 9 years ago. Show creator and host Whit Missilidine is an amazing human and deserves his own blog post some day soon (https://www.whitmissildine.com/ ).

Each day awaiting the episode release has brought a mix of excitement and nerves, creating a feeling that’s exhilarating yet daunting. Like sitting in the front car of a rollercoaster—your heart races as you slowly ascend that very first hill, the chains clinking slower and slower. This anticipation has not only motivated creativity but has also brought moments of reflection.

I asked show host, Whit Missildine, for permission before I fan-geeked and took this pic while we were recording!

A Balancing Act: Passion and Fear

Anticipation brings a delicate balancing act between passion and fear. Parts of me are so excited and can feel the thrill of sharing my story, but the anxious and scared parts of me, the parts that work so hard to protect me from being hurt? They tell me it's not too late to back out. They tell me people won't care, they won't understand. There are parts of me that fear judgement so deeply. Those are the parts that just want to deeply connect with people, but coincidently the ones that also disrupt my attempts at connection. (We'll throw in the effects of ADHD on all of this in a later entry, lol). So I remind myself why I embarked on this journey, or more often, why this journey, this path, chose me. I allow the compassion and confidence of my true Self to lead me. My therapist will be so proud!

A page from my IFS therapy notebook, used for reference during recording.

Connection with the Audience

I have heard that one of the most rewarding parts of podcasting, blogging or writing is the connection you create with your audience. The parts of me that crave connection can't wait to get this party started! As release day approaches, I continue to reflect on how and why I want to connect and communicate with anyone who listened and felt drawn to my story after the episode airs. I truly believe that there is a population of people who continuously feel pressured to push difficult emotions, thoughts and feelings aside or down, or minimize the effect that they are having on one's overall wellbeing. Whether that pressure is intrinsic, extrinsic or based on professional, cultural, religious or a host of other reasons, the people that are successfully completing suicide are not the ones that we expect. They are the ones that make us say, "Wow. I didn't see that one coming". They are the ones that sometimes make people think, "She had the perfect life. What did she have to be depressed about?" The ones that feel that they need to suffer in silence. For me a lot of it was about being a psychotherapist, and a trauma one at that. Granted I was early in my career, but I was also a married mother of four children. First, I never thought I could get myself into that kind of situation, that I was gullible to mind-fuckery to that extent. Then, I thought I could do what I have told so many clients is not possible to do. I thought I could bury my trauma and just go on. Like it never happened. I'd just forget about it. Then, when it started to cause the emotional cancer that unresolved trauma can, I thought I could just go on and pretend. Pretend to be ok. Pretend that I was not emotionally critically ill. I was not ok. I wish I would have known the power of vulnerability earlier, before I almost spiraled myself into a second suicide attempt, this time as a seasoned mental health professional.

The Next Steps on my Path

As the podcast episode release approaches, my anticipation is overwhelming. I'm working to stay mindful by embracing the process, continuing to draw from my experiences, and trusting what sometimes feels like serendipitous timing. I started a book 10 years ago, during a period of significant trauma, chaos and dissociation. I found those chapters 10 years later and they became paramount to my healing. Healing not only from what happened on the Island, but all of what happened before that; every time a connection was strained, or cracked, or unavailable, or unhealthily overbearing, or broken, or completely and permanently severed. And now, to have the opportunity to share a part of my story on one of my favorite podcasts?! And to have it correlate so closely to the release of my book?! And potentially have the host of said podcast write the forward of my book?! Pinch me!!

So that fear? I attempt to channel that energy into something productive and so very fulfilling.

The beauty of anticipation is its ability to transform fear into excitement. I feel like I'm just starting this journey as a creator, an author. So, as I prepare for this moment, I am trying to reframe my thinking and use this opportunity to celebrate my own personal growth and healing, the gift of creativity that I was given by my Creator, and the joy of the opportunity to share my story with the world. If it positively changes the trajectory of one person's life, then it will all be worth it.

Are you ready to take that leap into the unknown with me? Release day awaits, and I think it’s going to be an unforgettable ride! And what you're hearing is just a part of my sometimes unbelievable story. My tummy definitely feels like I'm approaching the top of that first hill on the rollercoaster. Let me know what you think!

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity".  -Brene Brown

Sending Good Vibes!!

Naazh