Exploring the Mental Landscape: How We Navigate Trauma in Our Minds

Cool title, huh? I used AI to help write it because "Crazy Places That I Go In My Mind When I Think Too Much" didn't seem like something that my therapist would approve of. Writing is very cathartic for me. I would love to say that I decided to write this, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. What I'm sharing is my thought process as I use "Parts" language (If you're not familiar with Internal Family Systems therapy, that will be an upcoming topic).. This thought process started as I was playing the piano and singing. The song I was doing was, "Time in a Bottle", my Jim Croce. I love that song. I started to think about the lyrics and started thinking about how I wished I could have done things differently as mother, knowing what I know now. I want a do-over. I want to love them better. I started to sob, and needed to write.

When I was done writing, I considered posting it. I was scared. So, I checked my email first. I read an email from someone who told me that she could resonate with what I said when I shared my story on "This is Actually Happening". She said, "It's acts of bravery like yours that truly help change the world". Thank you, Sandra, for the inspiration. Here is what I wrote tonight:

"I figured it out. I’ve been biting my nails to the point that I have band aids on 4 fingers. I’m irritable and short-fused. It’s been hard to smile. It’s been hard to care. But just for those closest to me. The ones I want to love the most fiercely. I’ve been grasping for joy. The sunsets aren’t as awe-invoking. I’m taking less pictures of beautiful things.

He can’t say anything to fix this. This is not for him to rectify in me. That’s why forgiveness is not about the other person, letting them know that they are ok to feel better about themselves because you allowed them to move forward. Forgiveness is about not holding on to a resentment that will eat you alive from the inside out. It’s about releasing negativity. It’s about taking your power back. Thus, there is nothing that he can say that can truly alleviate my shame. Shame is from within. And the healing, just like a resentment, needs to be from within. Would it give me warm fuzzies to hear him forgive me? Sure. But somewhere within me, until I rectify it with myself, I won’t believe him anyways. So how do I do this?

There is a part of me that wants a do over as it pertains to my kids. I want to go back and be a better mom. I don’t want to hurt them. There’s a part of me that thinks that I hurt my children to the point that they have no respect for me and it’s hard for them to love me and that they don’t want to be around me, they just do it because they have to. Fuck, one of them doesn’t even do it because he has to. That I hurt him so much that I ruined our relationship. That when he has children, I’ll never get to see them. I only see him 2-3 times a year as it is and he only lives 45 minutes away. That part. That part that sobs as she types this. That part that thought she wasn’t so bad. She tried. And if she went away, how would they know how much she hurts that it turned out this way. How could they see her pain? What is she supposed to do with it? Her chest is so tight and there are tears running down her eyes as she hunches over, heaving with deep bellowing sobs. Her abdominal muscles constrict, reminding her of a space where her womb used to lie, a space where her babies began their journey, where they heard their first sound. The sound of her heartbeat. That same, now empty and removed womb, ironically somewhere in a landfill in Hawaii. The place where I experienced so much pain, where I thought I had caused the most exorbitant amount of pain for my boys. The new knowledge that the pain that I had caused him while I was in Hawaii was not the worst of his pain? Now that was a crushing blow. She thought she was a good mom. She was sober, she stayed home to care for them, she did her best to protect them. And she was in need of protection, too. And although she was loved and cared for beyond anyone’s wildest dreams, it didn’t matter. She still wasn’t safe.

When Dez was molested, I felt a guilt beyond anything imaginable. She was placed with me so that she would be safe. And I didn’t keep her safe. And my mom didn’t keep me safe, even though I know how much she loved me. I couldn’t keep my boys safe, either.

Is anyone really safe?

And as my parts communicate and process, I get closer to being able to articulate what I figured out. Trauma can lead to loss of empathy. It took a long time for me to completely lose empathy last time, like, years. This time, it only took a few weeks for me to start to see it fade. Looking back, I can see that with the slow dissolution of empathy also comes the slow dissolution of joy. The pathway is easy to jump onto now that it is a well-traversed highway. What’s the new trauma? Learning that my son’s worst trauma, my worst parenting period of time, was not actually what I thought it was.

We appear to have a shared trauma in some ways. But then not. I was his mother and I was in an abusive marriage with his dad. And he was exposed to that. He experienced the some of the same fears that I did. And he remembers it. I heard him say it and it almost broke my heart that very instant. I have tried not to trust some of my cloudier negative memories. Finding they were in fact real was a tremendous blow. He loves his dad fiercely. He respects his dad and places him on a pedestal.

And she wishes that they loved her and respected her as much as they do hers and their abuser.

Maybe that’s a resentment? Part of it is likely. She knows this. It’s painful and it’s shameful. And in order to not feel that, we have to turn off a number of other feelings. Kind of like unplugging a line on circuit board. You’re going to have collateral damage. In this case, turn off pain and shame, you also turn off joy and empathy. Now that she has tapped into pain, she’s not sure how to make it go away.  She doesn’t know what would happen it she didn’t feel this way. She doesn’t really think she can stop feeling this way. She thinks that this way is how she deserves to feel. To let this go, would mean that she was ok with all of it and she is not. She only knows the viewpoint of one of them. Is it necessary to get it from the others? She feels like she did with the oldest, but he’s the one that she hasn’t seen on a holiday since. The one that makes her dread Mother’s Day. Just do better, she thinks. So she takes them all bowling and buys pizza and has a great time. They are laughing and having fun; there’s pictures on Facebook to prove it. and spends the electric bill. And then she sleeps in her office because she doesn’t have gas money to drive home and back until she gets paid in two weeks. There’s got to be a better way.

More processing. More crying. More regret. More shame. More understanding. I will keep listening to her until she feels like she can step back for a while. I need breathing room. I need to tell the people that I love how much I love them. It’s easy to think about when I’m alone. I’m excited about how much understanding I’ve gained and how much more “emotionally present” I feel when I’m not with them. Add people, and the protectors have been coming out in full force.

What is she afraid will happen if she stops feeling this way? Seriously? How does that help this situation? She can’t stop; that’s the main problem.

And it loops. This is considerable further than I’ve delved into this so far, so here’s hoping that as I continue to listen to her, she’ll feel heard and I can go on with my life. And feel some joy. More joy."

 Welcome to my brain. Hope you’re ok, lol. Welcome to my journey. So, I haven’t figured it out completely, but I’m well on my way. Recognizing changes in my behavior and exploring the thoughts and feelings that they bring up. I hope we can share our stories with each other so that we all can continue our healing journeys. We can change the world together, Sandra!

Till next time...

Sending Good Vibes!

Naazh